7 Essential Strategies to Build Chemistry…
For men to do and women to look out for…
As a head matchmaker at Elite Introductions, I set up thousands of first dates every year. Now to become a member at Elite, you gotta have some game… you gotta be attractive, successful, fit & healthy, ambitious, educated, interesting, cultured. You get the picture. So I’m often amazed by the expectation people have around the concept of romantic and sexual chemistry particularly early in the dating process. People assume that chemistry is some voodoo shit that just happens when two people meet so when it doesn’t happen, they assume that “they are not the one” or “it’s not meant to be.” What a lazy load of garbage! Some even blame me when it doesn’t happen, like I’ve failed them for not finding someone that makes mutual fireworks explode at first sight. These people have some serious accountability issues!
Those butterflies in our tummies aren’t fictional I grant you, but they also aren’t instant and way more in your control than most are prepared to accept responsibility for. They require an active building of chemistry. A careful balance of charisma, interest and engagement, which, if done right, can make you absolutely unforgettable to your date.
So gentlemen, if you’re wondering how to make yourself a first date superstar, or just looking for the skill to connect with people no matter where you are, this one’s for you. And ladies, don’t blonde out. Pay attention to what I’m telling the fellas and keep an eye out for the signs that you are on the right path to some sexy sparks.
In this article, we will quickly explore the following strategies;
- Choose the Space Carefully
- Find Your Mojo
- Be Complimentary
- Take the Lead
- Ask Open-Ended Questions
- Tease Her
- Build Rapport
Choose the Space Carefully
My first tip is one that I think holds a lot of power, and that is, choosing your space carefully. Almost no one looks good under those hospital bright white lights, and no one can create good conversation in a room where you can’t even hear yourself think. If the bartender can’t hear you talk, chances are neither can your date. Imagine doing that for an hour and a half while trying to earnestly get to know someone. Romance thrives in dim warm lighting and cosy spaces. If the atmosphere feels intimate, so will the two of you. Somewhere like a cute local bar or your favourite coffee shop with a relaxed environment can both help swat away any first date nerves you have, whilst also providing the chilled and private environment for banter and romance to grow. Pay attention to the five senses. Is the place a cosy temperature? Is the music loud enough to bring a vibe but quiet enough to hide under your conversation? Does it smell like flowers or baked bread, or can’t you notice through the carbon monoxide from the trucks. Creating a comfortable environment is a very important first step to allowing that chemistry to form.
Ladies tip: Make sure you are comfortable in the space and open to connect. If a move to another part of the space (or a different space altogether) will help you relax, then gently suggest it and see if he picks up the signal to take care of you.
Find Your Mojo
So gentlemen, I know you’ve noticed a woman who feels particularly striking in her outfit. She knows she looks and smells good and that mojo is filling the room. Well you gotta elevate to her and show her you’re a worthy suitor.
Whether that’s getting into an outfit you know you look sexy in, or wearing a cologne you’ve been complimented in, the foundation of really good chemistry is confidence. If you’re wearing a shirt you know is creased or pants you know don’t fit properly, that will only shoot you in the foot throughout your date, whether it’s by making a bad first impression with her, or even just by making you feel less like James Bond, and more like Oliver Twist. I heard a guy on the internet tell men to dress one notch above what the situation requires. I though that was great advice. Step it up not just to get noticed but more importantly to feel the mojo and vibe you need to enhance your magnetism. And don’t be afraid to get pumped before your date! If you allow yourself to feel that excitement and those nerves, it will build your anticipation and get that blood pumping. Even something small like walking to your date (your favourite party song in your ipods) can both burn off any unwanted cortisol from first date jitters and get your body moving, allowing you to get into your stride and really build those energy levels. The vibe you bring to the date even before walking in the door is super important, so making sure you feel sexy is a necessary step. “Hey Siri! Play Billie Jean.”
Ladies Tip: Do the same thing girls. Look and smell hot, dance while your blow drying your hair, call your bestie and have a good giggle at the possibilities of the night ahead. See if he elevates to you. Does he make you feel proud to be on his arm?
Now, this one seems pretty on the nose, but gentlemen, us ladies get those easy low hanging fruit compliments all the time. “You look nice” or “wow you’re very pretty” just isn’t going to make you stand out when your date hears that on the daily. Instead, be bold! Don’t be afraid to really make a statement with your compliment and give her something to remember. Saying something like, “Wow, you look like you stepped right off the pages of a magazine!” or “Wow, I hope there’s a red carpet outside to do you justice” is going to make you significantly more memorable than the guy who just told her she looked good. Now of course, remember that this is a first date and there’s a line before compliments become creepy, but being creative is not a bad thing, and letting your date know how beautiful you think she is will instantly create chemistry. The sure way to avoid discomfort is making sure you don’t comment on her sexually. No comments about how desirable she is or how incredible her breasts look in that dress. (Save those for after the relationship is consummated, then she’ll love it).
No one can resist a compliment! This also gives her the opportunity to compliment you back, and really quickly sets up some flirty banter and an intimate, sexy vibe. Take those average compliments up a notch and don’t be afraid to be playful. Let her know that the tone for the evening is fun and playful!
Ladies Tip: Don’t dismiss or dilute a compliment. Simply smile, say thank you and if the moment takes you, toss one right back.
Take the Lead
I’ve been calling you guys gentlemen throughout this article, and here’s your chance to prove it. Despite what you might hear people say, chivalry is not dead and is in fact a very charming and memorable way to build chemistry with your date. By taking the lead and stepping into your masculine role, you allow your date to relax and step into her feminine role. Represent her! Think of the two of you like dancers. A good lead who keeps the tempo and directs the dance allows the follower to flourish, and add that pizazz that the lead couldn’t create on his own. Simple things like opening doors, pulling out chairs, making sure you have a reservation and offering her a drink when you sit down both cements you in your masculine energy and allows her to relax and start to feel softer and sexier. The modern woman makes thousands of decisions every single day, if you can offer to take some of that mental load off of her, it means she can not only loosen up but also she can focus her attention all on you. Little creations of dynamics like this builds that air of romance.
Ladies Tip: Put down your sword and let him take care of you. Your softness will make the right man elevate and you’ll be loving the vibe growing between you.
Ask Open-Ended Questions
One of the secrets of conversation is everyone loves to talk about themselves, and we all feel more appreciated when someone else listens. Creating a vibe that allows your date to actually open up to you makes her feel special, and as an added bonus, means that you get to skip the small talk that we all hate. Asking open ended questions, and then asking further more specific questions that expand on what she’s talking about helps you get to know her and lets her know that you actually care about who she is and what she’s passionate about. Creating a space of intimacy starts with knowing the person in front of you, and what better way to learn things about someone than asking them. Start questions with things like, “tell me about…” or “how do you feel about…”. Sometimes conversations can struggle to flow by themselves, so asking questions like these helps keep things moving, and also means you don’t trip over those boring yes or no answers. Now it’s important to remember, a good conversationalist, (which your date hopefully is) will flip the questions back at you. You have to know how to also open up and show vulnerability back at your date, especially if she’s been vulnerable with you. Striking the balance between a one-sided interrogation and a therapy session is important, and even giving a little bit of thought about making sure you know as much about her as she knows about you is crucial for building real connection. Additional tip; later in the date, quote her or make a reference to something she said earlier. Women really notice when they meet a man who actually listens.
Magic sauce tip: Pass a positive judgement on something she has said as if you are approving of her. For example, she tells you she loves rock climbing… you respond with… “oh so you are confident taking risks and challenging yourself? I like that in a woman.” Later she tells you a story of a challenging situation… “Wow so you act fast under pressure? That’s impressive.”
Four different things happen in her brain when you do this. I share these in the Ultimate Partner Program. But for now just trust me. Do this.
Ladies Tip: Keep the opening up light and breezy. Nothing dark, nothing bitter. Smile, share stories of fun, adventure, your quirky adorable little habit. No comments about your cheating ex boyfriend or that bitch at work who got the promotion over you, or even the slow table service. Your date will feel like he may be next.
Now that you two have got some momentum going and have a nice romantic vibe happening, my next tip is to tease her. Wit and humour are some of the most attractive traits a person can have, and keeping the conversation light and your date laughing are great ways to create chemistry. We all know how to tease, we do it with our friends and family all the time, don’t be afraid to do it with your date! Being able to tease your date will help you both feel comfortable around each other, and lets her see a more playful side of you. It also sets up a nice challenge for her, letting her engage with you on a more interesting mental level and breaking up any monotony that threatens first dates. Teasing also leads to banter, which is catnip for women. A quick wit and a sharp repertoire not only pulls your date in more, but also shows off your intelligence, which is another incredibly attractive feature. If your date is giggling at your jokes, it’s a surefire sign that she’s interested, and if you can make her laugh, it’s a great way to make sure you’ll be remembered. Added tip; when she turns the tease back onto you, don’t be afraid to laugh at yourself. It shows confidence in who you are… = more catnip.
Ladies Tip: If your date has enough game to be on this level, hit the ball back over the net. And if you’re struggling for a comeback, simply lick your lips or flick your hair. He’ll forget what his name is in a heartbeat.
My last tip is to build rapport. There’s a couple easy ways to do this. First, use her name in conversation. Everyone likes to hear their name repeated back to them, plus it’s a great way to show that you’re actively listening. The second way is eye contact. Keeping gentle eye contact both builds intimacy and connection, (the eyes really are the window to the soul), and also helps you concentrate on your date. Speaking of concentration, no distractions! Your phone should be on silent and in your pocket. Unless there is truly an emergency, there is no reason for either of you to be on your phones throughout the date. Make your date feel special by giving them 100% of your attention. Another great way to build rapport is with subtle body language tricks. For men, this can include not being afraid to take up space, and also, mirroring her body language. Falling into sync physically with your date is a super way for you to subconsciously fuel that connection. If you want a real masterclass for creating rapport and connection, ex FBI negotiator Chris Voss does an incredible class called “The Art of Negotiation” on the Masterclass app. I definitely recommend it!
Ladies Tip: This one is a two way street. If he’s making an effort, return the energy. Even if you’re not sure he’s your type, simply enjoy the connection. You might find that you’re surprised you like him. You’ll tell your friends he’s not your type but he’ll stay on your mind and your girls will tease you a week later when you say yes to the second date.