How To Build a Good Relationship? Start With Your Friendships
One of the questions I get asked most often goes along the lines of “How do I build a successful relationship?” It’s a big question and is one of the reasons I wrote my new book You Are the Reason You’re Alone. I’ve pulled this 20 year journey apart and turned it inside out and I’ve found many common threads between people’s lives and their level of success in love. And here is one that seems so obvious but is hardly ever discussed. Successful relationships can only be built on the foundation of good friendships.
When we think about preparing for love, friendship is rarely part of the conversation. There’s no shortage of advice on how to improve your dating profile, flirt better, or “manifest” your ideal partner. But the reality is, deep, meaningful friendships are the most underrated training ground for romantic success.
If you want to know how someone will behave in a relationship, look at how they show up as a friend. Not the surface-level friendships, the ones where you catch up for brunch once a month, swap life updates, and move on. I’m talking about the kind of friendships that truly test your character. The ones where you’ve leaned on each other during life’s hardest moments, set aside your own agenda to offer support, and stayed through thick and thin.
These friendships prepare you for love in a way nothing else can. They teach you resilience, selflessness, and what it means to build something that lasts.
“If you’ve never worked at being a great friend, how do you expect to work at being a great partner?”
No One is Always Strong… That’s When Friendship Matters Most
I’ve noticed something about tennis… the one sport I really enjoy watching. At first glance, singles tennis is about the individual on the court. It’s down to them. They must bring their best, battle with adversity, remain calm and focussed, put aside their failures… even if it’s just hitting a certain winner into the net. They must dig deep and call on every morsel of their mind, body and spirit to reach their mission.
But who’s behind the champion? Who do they turn to when things are tough? Who do they look to when celebrating even a minor victory? Their team box. There sits their coach, spouse, parents, best friend. A group of people who will love them no matter what happens on the court today.
We live in a culture that glorifies independence. “Be strong,” we’re told. “Stand on your own two feet.” But the truth is, no one is strong all the time. Life is messy, unpredictable, and sometimes overwhelming. And it’s during those times, when you’re at your weakest, that you discover the true strength of your friendships.
Simon Sinek says that the courage to lead isn’t something we find within ourselves, it’s something we draw from the people around us. Leaders who thrive are the ones with at least one person saying, “I’ve got your back no matter what.”
It’s no different in love. Successful, long-term relationships aren’t built on endless romance and Instagram-worthy moments. They’re built on having someone who will stand beside you through every challenge, loss, and messy chapter of life. In essence, your partner becomes your most significant friend, the one you build a life with.
But for friendships to truly prepare you for that kind of love, they need to run deep. Surface-level friendships won’t cut it.
Want a Good Relationship? Squeeze Test Your Friendships
You might think your friendships are strong because you’ve known someone for 10 or 20 years. But familiarity isn’t the same as depth. Real friendship reveals itself when it’s tested. A friend who I don’t see that much due to our busy lives, just showed up when I was going through something tough. She just made the time. When I graciously thanked her she simply said, “no point in having a friend who won’t be there when you need them.”
Ask yourself how deep are your friendships? Have you been there for each other when one of you needs the other every day for a month or a year because of a crisis, a challenge, or a loss? Have you ever committed to a huge project together? Navigated something truly hard? That’s where the real training happens.
These moments teach you the patience, selflessness, and vulnerability required to build a long-term relationship. They force you to put aside your own needs for someone else, and they prepare you for what’s to come in love.
If your friendships have never been tested, they won’t help you when it really matters.
Not All Friends Are Good Guides and May be Getting in the Way of Your Relationship Success
Here’s something we don’t talk about enough… not all friends are equipped to support you in your romantic journey.
When some of my clients mention they are going to turn to their friends for advice on taking a leap of faith into something new, be it a business or career move or a new romantic journey, I sometimes cringe with concern. Because I wonder if their friends will be able to successfully execute their role as a support, guide and friend.
For example, some friends encourage you to keep your standards impossibly high, not always because they want the best for you, but because they’re afraid of intimacy themselves. They project their fears onto your life. “Don’t settle,” they say, but what they really mean is, “Don’t do what I’m too scared to do.”
Don’t get me wrong. They’re not bad people or bad friends. They are just dominated by their own inner fears. Sometimes leading you astray, unintentionally and subconsciously.
A true friend rises above this very human response. A true friend listens to you, respects your choices, and helps you gain perspective. They’ll challenge you when you’re being unrealistic but also remind you that they’ll be there no matter what. They don’t have an agenda, they have your back.
I’ve seen it with my clients time and again. Those who surround themselves with supportive, grounded friends are more likely to find love that lasts. They don’t approach dating with fear or desperation because they already have a strong foundation. They know they’re not alone, no matter what happens.
Courage and Connection Go Hand in Hand
When it comes to dating, courage doesn’t come from within. It’s not some hidden reserve of confidence you can tap into when things get tough. Courage comes from knowing that, no matter what happens, someone is there for you.
One of my clients, (let’s call her Emma), was terrified to start dating again after a painful breakup. Every time she thought about putting herself out there, her anxiety took over. But it wasn’t a pep talk or a “dating strategy” that helped her. It was her best friend, who checked in every day, encouraged her to try, and promised to be there through thick and thin.
That external support gave Emma the courage to keep showing up. She eventually met someone amazing, not because she suddenly became fearless but because she knew she wasn’t doing it alone.
We all need people like that. Friends who help us find our strength when we’re running on empty. Those friends are your net. They’re your parachute.
Friendship as the Mirror for Relationships
If you want a glimpse of how someone will act in a relationship, look at how they behave in their closest friendships.
- Do they show up, or do they only make time when it’s convenient?
- Do they avoid hard conversations, or are they willing to work through challenges?
- Are they willing to set aside their own needs to support someone else?
Friendship is a mirror. It reflects how we treat the people we care about most. If you avoid emotional intimacy in friendships, you’ll avoid it in relationships, too. If you’re inconsistent with friends, you’ll struggle with consistency in love.
The good news is, when you focus on being a better friend, it naturally makes you a better partner. You learn how to listen, how to compromise, and how to nurture meaningful connection. That energy is magnetic.
The Takeaway… Deepen Your Friendships, Transform Your Love Life
If you want love that lasts, start with your friendships.
- Build deeper connections.
- Surround yourself with people who help you grow.
- Ask yourself if your closest friends reflect the kind of partnership you want.
Successful romantic relationships… good relationships that last… don’t exist in isolation. It’s part of a larger ecosystem of connection, belonging, and trust. When you build strong, resilient friendships, you create the foundation for the kind of romantic relationship most people only dream of.
Be the kind of friend you want to have. Be the kind of partner you want to meet.
The courage, resilience, and emotional intelligence you gain from those friendships? That’s what makes you unstoppable in love.
Here are some of the programs my clients have found valuable:
How to Choose a Compatible Partner – Discover key factors in finding a partner who truly aligns with you.
The Psychology of Strong Relationships – Learn about the science behind building deep, lasting relationships.
Why Emotional Intelligence Matters in Love – Understand how emotional intelligence shapes healthy relationships.
Discover how evolving gender roles impact modern dating dynamics and uncover the key to building balanced, fulfilling relationships.
